I’ve had a fairly tempestuous summer. There have been hours of fun, parties and reprieve, but for the most part, I’ve been in the trenches. Apparently, in case I was getting too comfortable (which I certainly was not!), I’ve been reminded that I have no lack of inner work to do!
So, my summer reading list (and my life!) has not been replete with sizzling romances and bonfire fiction. Instead, I have immersed myself with books and articles about how to overcome childhood trauma, burnout, create our future selves and …recognize a narcissist when I see one! The study of narcissism, albeit a favourite pastime, has stepped up for me after a brief but challenging springtime relationship. Like many, I want to know how to avoid these people, like, forever!
Enter It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, the New York Times bestseller by Dr. Ramani Durvasula, and summer reading has a new flavour! If you’ve had anything to do with a narcissist — and according to Dr. Ramani, one in six people are narcissistic — there is something special here for you.
Dr. Ramani has written a very comprehensive and personable book. From stories of her clients to her personal shares, she demonstrates with compassion that while the targets of narcissistic abuse may feel like it’s their fault, it really, really isn’t.
She offers a strong case for not shaming ourselves for both choosing and staying with narcissistic partners and a keen understanding of how to heal from these relationships and become more “narcissist resistant”. Sections include navigating grief after the death of a narcissist, how to become gaslight resistant and how to support others experiencing narcissistic abuse.
In her introduction, Dr. Ramani speaks eloquently to the power of her book to support readers. “I have heard from people around the world that simply receiving a framework for narcissism and what these relationships do to them marks the first time they felt normal in years. This isn’t about calling out narcissistic people but rather about identifying unhealthy relationship behaviour and patterns. To learn that multiple things (good and bad) can be true in a relationship. To learn that understanding narcissism doesn’t mean you have to leave or end contact with people you have complicated relationships with, but instead that you can interact with them differently. To understand that it is a basic human right to be seen and to have your own and separate identity needs, wants, and aspirations expressed and recognized. To be aware that instead of thinking differently about yourself, it’s time to start thinking differently about the behavior of someone who you love or respect, but who is also harming you. To finally be told, clearly and definitively, that you were never going to be able to change another person’s behavior. All of this was like turning the house lights on and the gas lights off.”
A dear friend, clinical counsellor and writer, met Dr. Ramani at a conference this year. She lent me her signed copy of It’s Not You, and gave me the sticker for my fridge. It serves as a daily reminder, in bright, happy colours that it warrants us to examine relationship dynamics carefully before we take the blame.
photo credit: s-o-c-i-a-l-c-u-t unsplash